Star Wars: The Phantom Poop/Part 1

Star Wars: The Phantom Poop, Part 1, by Night.

Darth Maul, assassin of the Sith Order and apprentice to Darth Sidious, danced around the lightsabers of the two Jedi attempting to kill him.

Objective: Queen Padmé Amidala.

Immediate threats: Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Maul continued to confound the Jedi with his elaborate Form VII lightsaber strikes, his saberstaff throwing countless consecutive blows at them, knocking each Jedi back over and over again. Then Qui-Gon snuck up behind him and hit him on the head with the butt of his hilt, and everything went back for Maul.

The Sith assassin woke up bound in a Jedi building, handcuffed to a vertical operating table. “What’s happening?” Maul writhed on the table, trying to escape.

“We have successfully caught you!” said Obi-Wan proudly, “right Master Qui-Gon? Master Qui-Gon?” Obi-Wan and Maul looked around in confusion when they heard a hollering sound coming from the other room.

Obi-Wan stealthily crept into the room to find Qui-Gon busting a move and screaming at the top of his lungs filming a HoloTok video. “OOOOOOHHHHH, YEAHHHHH!” Qui-Gon turned, shook his butt at the camera, then saw Obi-Wan and ended the video. “Hello, Padawan,” Qui-Gon addressed his apprentice politely. “How goes your talk with Darth Maul?”

“How goes your cringy video, Master?”

“Nevermind that.”

“I saw your HoloTok account. I know how hard you try to get past -4 subscribers, Master. And I respect that, but I feel that it is distracting you from your duty as a Jedi.”

“Who says a Jedi can’t have a little fun?” Qui-Gon started jerking his hips all over the place and nearly ran into the wall.

“Master, you’ll end up in the hospital sooner or later.”

“Padawan, why are there four of you?”

Back in the room with Maul, Obi-Wan was finally ready to begin the “questioning,” aka interrogation.

But before Obi-Wan could start, Qui-Gon looked at the Sith and said, “You’re bald.”

“Bald?” asked Maul, perplexed.

“You have no hair,” Qui-Gon elaborated.

“Master, how is this relevant to—”

“Silence, Padawan. Let the Master work.” Qui-Gon did another odd dance move.

“Oh dear,” said Obi-Wan, raising his hand to his face and looking worried.

“What is hair?” asked Maul.

“Hair is this,” Qui-Gon told him, making odd faces and stroking his hair.

“Uh… yes, that’s hair, Maul,” confirmed Obi-Wan.

“I have horns!” Maul told them defensively.

“But horns aren’t hair,” Obi-Wan told him.

“I…” Maul trailed off, a tear dripping from his eye. “I’m… bald. Never have I felt so empty… so alone…”

Mace Windu burst in. “I’M BALD, TOO, SUCKER! DEAL WITH IT!”

“NOOOOOO!” Maul shouted. “I look like… HIM?!”

“A Senate meeting, there is,” Master Yoda said from behind Windu. “Hurry must we if reach in time building want to we.”

“What the…” Obi-Wan trailed off, confused beyond his wildest dreams.

Maul wanted to go to the meeting with the Jedi, so he did. Everyone was there, including Sheev Palpatine, Senator of Naboo: secretly Darth Sidious, Maul’s Sith Master. He had begun to orchestrate a war between the Confederacy of Independent Systems (CIS or Separatists) and the Galactic Republic. Maul was the only one who knew the secret.

Darth Maul joined Palpatine up on his Senate platform. Palpatine happened to be on the toilet platform, the only one out of the thousands of Senate seats in the building. Only one Senator could use the bathroom at any given time.

“Hello, Maul,” Palpatine said in a low, menacing voice. “Have you eliminated the Jedi? Or Amidala?”

“No, Master,” Maul said gravely. “They caught me and broke my spirit.”

“How, apprentice?” asked Palpatine. “We must know their secret if we are to defend against their interrogation tactics in the future. Did you reveal any secrets?”

“No. But I know what they did to me.”

“What?”

“They told me I was… I was…”

“You were what?”

“BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!” Maul screamed, his voice echoing throughout the Senate building.

Every Senator in the building turned to look at him.

Maul blinked, then yelled, “CONTINUE.”

So they did.

“I… languished for years about how I was… BALD!” he told Palpatine, who stared at him like he had three heads.

“Okay then.”

“I know your secret,” Maul whispered, hissing madly.

“W-what secret?” Palpatine asked. He wouldn’t reveal the plan, would he?

“The secret!” Maul laughed.

“Maul, no!” Palpatine tried to stop him, but Maul lifted him off the toilet. The entire Senate had the image of the Naboo Senator’s rear end burned into their minds that day.

“HE IS BALD! THAT IS THE SECRET! HE! IS! BALD!” Maul screamed at the top of his lungs, his voice filling the entire, vast room. “BALD! COMPLETELY BALD!”

Palpatine’s horrified look faded into one of exasperation. “Put me down.”

“GLADLY.” And he did.

But Supreme Chancellor Valorum fell off of his podium face first from the shock of seeing Palpatine’s butt. Toppling off the front, he fell to his death on the Senate floor.

The entire Senate devolved into chaos, screaming and waving fists and angry accusations. “ORDER!” Grand Vizier Mas Amedda boomed. “ORDER! We must now elect the new Supreme Chancellor of the Republic. Security, please get Valorum’s body off the floor. He will be missed.” Amedda bowed quickly, then cleared his throat.

“The new Chancellor is obviously me, right, Grand Vizier?” asked Sheev Palpatine smugly.

“The Co-Chancellor will be made the new Chancellor,” Amedda informed him.

“Co-Chancellor?” exclaimed Palpatine. “I didn’t even know there was a Co-Chancellor!”

“I didn’t either, until today,” said the Grand Vizier. “The new Chancellor of the Republic,” said Mas Amedda, looking at his datapad, “is… EAT LESS CHOCOLATE!”

Silence filled the Senate building.

“SORRY, sorry, that’s my to-do list,” said the Grand Vizier. “Um, the new Chancellor is DON’T BUY FAST FOOD. Nope, it’s WORK OFF THAT JELLY BELLY FAT! WAIT NO!”

The entire Senate building was exasperated and agitated.

“The Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Republic is… CHANCELLOR PORG!”

“PORG?!” shouted some Senator.

“A Porg can’t be our Chancellor!”

“Are they even part of the Republic?”

“Can they talk?!”

“Tanky, tanky! Tanky very much!” said Chancellor Porg, attempting to calm things down. “I can talky, tanky. We have been part of the Republic for 25,000 years. I am well acquaintimated with the Republimic.”

“For your first act as Chancellor,” said a Senator irritably, “could you get PALPATINE to stop hogging the toilet?!”

“I am not hogging the toilet!” Palpatine declared indignantly.

“Are too!”

“AM NOT!”

“ARE T—”

“AHEM,” the newly appointed Porg Chancellor said, clearing his tiny throat. “I would like to point out dat da Chancellor camnot regumalate a person's abilimaty to use da toilet.”

“Very true,” said Palpatine, nodding.

“I wet myself!” yelled Senator Lott Dod of the Nemoidians.

“That’s your problem!” said Palpatine. “Besides, I have a big poop in here that won’t come out!”

“Unneeded details!” Maul yelled. “Unneeded details!”

“Agreed,” added Lott Dod. “But who gets to go next?”

“We have fought bravely in all sorts of wars!” shouted a Kaleesh. “We should go first for our courage.”

“WE should go first,” said a Nightbrother. “We’re tougher than you!”

“I should go!” shouted Maul. “I’m right next to the toilet!”

“Well,” said another Nemoidian, “I don’t have to go to the bathroom no more!”

Every senate seat near him floated away.

“Um… I’m Hukan the Hutt. Attention, please?” asked a Hutt. There were roughly five Hutt Senators squashed uncomfortably into one Senate seat, and the one talking was in the back.

“Yes?” asked Chancellor Porg.

“I have to poop in 15 minutes, and Palpatine isn’t off the potty.”

“Well,” said Palpatine, “I have a big one that won’t come out, SO MAYBE YOU CAN HOLD IT LIKE THE REST OF US!”

“When a Hutt poops—” said Hukan patiently, “—which only happens every 100 years—it all comes out at once and weighs 50 TONS.”

“So enough to crush the Senate building?” asked Palpatine, shocked.

“Let me put it this way:” Hukan told him. “Nal Hutta has ¼ of the planet dedicated to what they call ‘Fecal Landfills.’ These Landfills can grow up to a mile-high mountain of poop, and they are stinky enough to create Nal Hutta’s nearly toxic, green atmosphere. Any questions?”

“Just one,” said Lott Dod.

Hukan nodded.

“HOW DO WE GET OUT OF HERE?” he screamed.

“14 minutes!” yelled Hukan.

“We have to think of a plan, Master,” said Maul. “How can you finish doing #2 and get off the potty before the Hutt kills us all?”

“It’s…” Sheev tried to say, gasping, “almost… IT’S OUT!”

“Finally!” Lott Dod said.

“11 ½ minutes!” screamed Hukan.

“Get to the potty!” screamed Lott.

“On i—” the lights dimmed and the seats hovered in midair, unable to move.

“The power went out,” Lott Dod said. “We’re all going to die.”

“PADDLE WITH YOUR ARMS!” screamed Hukan the Hutt.

Every Hutt Senator started paddling through the air with their arms, which of course did nothing.

“Come on!” shrieked Palpatine. “I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!”

“It’s no use,” said Hukan. “Say your prayers.”

“PLEASE DON’T LET ME DIE! I’M ONLY…” Palpatine stopped to count on his fingers. “42!”

“9 MINUTES!” Hukan exclaimed, flailing his arms wildly.

“GET OUT OF YOUR SENATE CARS!” screamed a Nightbrother, who fell out and died as Valorum had before.

Perhaps it was a good thing that Valorum had died prior to the Great Hutt Poopage. It spared him a heart attack.

“8 MINUTES until TOTAL ANNIHILATION!” screamed Hukan.

A Jedi Knight came in, wielding a lightsaber. “GET OUT, IF YOU CAN! IF NOT, YOU’RE GONNA DIE!!!!”

A clone squad busted in, although this was 10 years before they were supposed to appear. “Master Palpatine who engineered our destruction of the Jedi Order, you need to get out of here!”

“Heheheh… What are you talking about, Capta— uh, random person I’ve never met? Hehe.”

“What do you mean, sir?”

“Save yourself!” Palpatine yelled.

“Okay, sheesh.” And the clone left.

“5 MINUTES!” There were then about 4 minutes of complete silence where everyone lamented about their all-too-short lives.

“Good thing you didn’t reveal your plan to destroy the Jedi Order with a massive clone army and orchestrate a war to bring about their ruin with their own CHOSEN APPRENTICE!” Maul laughed loudly to Palpatine.

Every head turned to Palpatine.

Bokku the Hutt, in the same Senate seat as Hukan, said in a high-pitched, whiny voice, “Uh… I also gotta go poopoo in 30 seconds.”

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!” screamed Maul. “I’ll die in the anguish of knowing I am BAAAAALD!!!!”

“3…,” said Bokku.

“NO!” screamed Palpatine.

“2…,”

Lott Dod wept.

“Wait!” yelled Bokku, laughing in an embarrassed sort of way. “False alarm!”

“Idiot!”

“Son of a—”

Then Hukan began to speak. “3, 2, 1.”